How To Enjoy A Better Love Life By Doing 3 Simple Things Now

Meet In Real Life. Schedule. Turn Off Your Communication Devices!

In my practice as a Certified Sex Therapist, I see patients of all ages and genders and I’ve experienced an up-tic of patients, particularly millennials, who report working long, hard hours. They are career driven and are frequently distracted by the very technology applications and devices they are known for creating. Consistent with a recent study, these are only several reasons why they are having less sex than previous generations.

It’s pretty interesting when you think about it… millennials are having less sex than their grandparents.

Let’s face it, lots of people don’t have the time or convenient means to go out and meet in person so they rely on dating apps. Yet, dating apps tend to foster a – the grass is always greener on the next swipe – mentality. Often, I advise my 20-something tech clients to meet in-person as soon as possible. In fact, regardless of age, most people who are in the online dating pool really should meet for face-to-face interaction fairly soon after connecting with someone. There really isn’t a substitute for getting to know one another in person and the real life interaction will give you the best feelings on compatibility. Dating apps are physical looks centric. Often, when meeting and getting to know people, they become more attractive. Swiping the wrong way could mean the possibility of missing someone truly spectacular.

Turn off your computer, tablets and phones. Tune into your partner.

Busy techies and their partners are frustrated when intimacy is either outright forgone or interrupted because of technology devices. Even if they are not being used in the immediate moment, the presence of communication devices can decrease intimacy, connection and trust. Consider tech free diets (i.e., silence devices after 7PM and/or remove them from the room) and see what happens to your love life! Some of the problems are explained in this short video, Silicon Valley’s Sex Therapist Breaks Down Techies Sex Problems.

Lastly, schedule intimacy. Plan it. Do it 

Yes, that’s right… schedule sex and you can even use your iCalendar. In the therapy world, recommending to plan sex isn’t a new idea. In fact, couples who have a regular sex plan it 80% of the time. The scheduling can even be in the form of planning intent by having regular intimacy dates or buying a suggestive intimate gift.

You schedule everything else — when you schedule an intimacy date you’re basically saying sex is enough of a priority you’re willing to schedule it.

Making calendar entries works really well for my patients. Some find it an odd suggestion, but that quickly turns to anticipation and excitement about the romantic encounter they’ll soon share with their partner. Also, your mind & body begin to expect sex on a regular interval. More on the benefits of scheduling sex in another quick video clip, Why Silicon Valley Techies Are Scheduling Sex.

Inspire Your Desire

50 Shades of Confusion: Part 2 – Sexy Secrets Women Want Their Men to Know

In Part 1, I talked about the power of seduction and dispelled some of the confusion about what women want from men in the bedroom. While many women seek a soul-mate friend to share their lives, they want a lover in bed—someone who is confident and in control. Women want to be seduced, and they want to be carried away from their busy, hectic lives. They want to ignite a man’s passion and let attraction take over.

Societal conditioning plays a big role in women’s hunger for seduction. Historically, women have been conditioned to suppress their desire and longing. What does that mean for women and for couples? First, many women are reluctant to say what they need and want from sex. Growing up, they may have been punished or humiliated for exploring their bodies, and as a result, they may be too embarrassed to tell their lover what feels good. From a young age, the message to women is they should be wide-eyed and innocent in the bedroom; the less they know the better. Women compound this social and cultural norm with a “knight in shining armor” syndrome that assumes men will instinctively know what to do to make them feel good. And, many women are concerned they will hurt their mate’s feelings if they offer suggestions in bed. The result is many women are having sex they don’t enjoy, a very real problem that drives down their desire and erodes the foundation of a relationship.
What’s a man to do?

Sexy Secret #1: Ask her what she likes. This can be a very fun, playful conversation that will bring you closer. Timing is important. As tempting as it is to quiz her when you’re between the sheets, I don’t recommend it. You’re both too vulnerable when you’re lying there naked. If you want answers when you’re in the moment, read her body by listening to her breathing and vocalization. Pay attention to how she is moving. Many men do what I call “the dip test” and think if a woman is wet, she must be aroused, and if she isn’t wet, she’s not aroused. This is not always true. There are a many factors that impact female lubrication, like hormonal forms of birth control, allergy medication, and dehydration… even the air conditioner can play a role! Don’t guess: Ask your sexy questions when you’re not in bed, and read her body when you are. […]

50 Shades of Confusion: Part 1 – Sexy Secrets Women Want Their Men to Know

For many men, women are a conundrum of mixed messages when it comes to life and sex. In their business and personal lives, women are empowered and ambitious—they’re pushing for what they want and they’re getting it. They are masters of multi-tasking—juggling work, family and more—and control their destinies through careful planning.

In relationships, many women say they are looking for someone who will listen to them, talk with them, support their emotions, needs and ambitions, and be a best friend. They want someone who will acknowledge their power in a positive way and encourage them. But in bed, they want to let go of their power and feel a man’s confidence and strength. They don’t want a friend in the bedroom; they want a lover—someone who will seduce and delight them. They want instinct and undeniable attraction to take over, and they don’t want to give a whole lot of instruction. […]

Has Siri Stolen Your Husband?

“He was on his phone all night.”

The complaint therapists hear most is that one partner spends too much time on his or her personal device. Some are hooked on texting with friends or incessantly browsing social networks like Facebook and Pinterest. Others bring their work home and answer e-mails and calls into the night.“I end up with people in my office who are wanting more sex, but they’re in bed with their iPhones and iPads,” says Sandra Lindholm, a relationship and sex therapist in Walnut Creek. “It creates a disconnect.”

Read about it here. >

9 Times Movies Blantantly Lied to Us About What Sex Is Really Like

Even actors know it.

If sex was really like it was in movies, we’d always be hoarse from sexy moaning, post-coital cigarettes and orgasms that arrived promptly three minutes into sex. In an interview with Harper’s Bazaar U.K., Kristen Stewart copped to the high standards to which her famous sex scene in Twilight was held, griping, “It had to be transcendent and otherworldly, inhuman, better sex than you can possibly ever imagine, and we were like, ‘How do we live up to that?'”

Read about it here. >

This Is What Hollywood Keeps Getting Wrong About the Female Orgasm

And those two-minute quickies so often portrayed on TV? We know better. Sandra Lindholm, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist from Walnut Creek, California, told Mic that women usually require 20 to 40 minutes of arousal and touching before experiencing an orgasm. “Women tend to be more like Crock-Pots. We have to be more slowly aroused,” she explained, “whereas men tend to be like microwaves: They can be turned on fast and the goal is orgasm.”

Read about it here. >